Connecting without breaking away from ourselves: Balance in family relationships

Our family relationships are a significant factor, shaped from childhood and can influence many aspects of our lives. From a social psychology perspective, we can say that the concept of " family " is the first group we become a part of as individuals.

Therefore, we gain our first learnings and experiences related to human relationships within this group. Our family dynamics, however, continue to influence every aspect of our lives. Our future selves and the relationships we form bear traces of our family relationships.

Dr. Yasemin Meriç Kazdal

TWO EXTREMES IN FAMILY DYNAMICS: INTERLOCKING AND DISCONNECTION

In family dynamics, as in many other areas, we can speak of an ideal balance. In this context, balance is achieved between the two extremes of entanglement and disconnection.

Enmeshment: Unclear boundaries between family members, lack of emotional distance, and excessive interdependence.

Relationship Disconnection: Physical and emotional distance between family members, superficial communication, and avoidance of closeness.

A balanced dynamic is one where family boundaries are clear but bonds are strong. Neither a united state, as in intertwined, nor a distant state, as in disconnectedness, is essential.

When balance is achieved and maintained within family relationships, a person's emotional state isn't determined by that of other family members. For example, in a balanced dynamic, when the mother comes home tired from work, everyone in the house doesn't have to abandon their own joyful state; nor does everyone retreat to their own corner and avoid any contact. The mother is shown understanding and care, but the other family members continue their day at their own pace. Empathy, not sympathy, is the key.

Important Processes in Which Balance Plays a Key Role: There are processes in which the state of balance plays a particularly important role:

Decision-making: When making decisions within the family, ideas can be expressed freely. Not everyone acts as if they agree, but decisions are not made unilaterally either. A common ground is reached.

Argument: During an argument, family members listen to each other, express their feelings, and manage this process without attacking the other party or disrupting communication.

Support: When a family member is going through a difficult time, support is provided, but a balancing distance is maintained rather than taking on all of their problems or avoiding them completely.

Private Space: Everyone has their own personal time and space, and boundaries are respectfully maintained. However, efforts are also made to create shared time among family members.

Emotional Sharing: Feelings are discussed openly, and family members do not suppress or hide their feelings. However, everyone maintains their own emotional balance, empathizing but not taking on the feelings of others.

THE IMPORTANCE OF INDIVIDUALIZATION

One of the greatest benefits of a state of balance is the ability to individuate. Adequate individuation prepares individuals for adulthood and helps them develop a more robust sense of self in the future. An individuated person can more clearly identify and interpret their thoughts and feelings. This allows them to establish and maintain more functional, supportive relationships.

In people whose individualization skills are not sufficiently developed:

Over-Accommodation: Suppresses own needs. Observed in intertwined families.

Emotional Detachment: Cuts off communication and stays away. This is observed in families with broken relationships.

In relationships where individualization is not supported:

In arguments, either “explosion” or “complete rupture” is observed.

When the ability to individuate matures, both a person's emotional state and their relationships are positively impacted. They learn to be both connected and independent. A balanced family dynamic is key to this.

HOW TO ACHIEVE BALANCE?

Establish Boundaries: Respect everyone's space, time, and decisions. This is an important step to avoiding enmeshment.

Open Communication: Share your feelings with each other as much as possible and avoid bottled up. This can prevent disconnection, especially during arguments.

Recognize Emotions, But Don't Own Them: Understanding your family member's emotions is necessary, but taking responsibility for their feelings one-on-one can push you out of your own balance.

Balance Support with Independence: Don't remain passive or indifferent during difficult times; provide the necessary support. But also allow your family member the space to develop their own solutions.

Creating Shared Time: Developing common hobbies and finding activities to spend time with your family will keep you closer.

• Tags:
• Psychology
• Child
• Family