How to recognize manipulation
Andrea works at a communications and marketing agency. Her boss , Álvaro, suddenly calls her into the office and, almost like someone delivering a compliment disguised as an order, says, "I want you to lead a new branding project. It's urgent and very important for the company."
"The firm we work with wants to hear the best ideas right now to effectively manage its brand , clearly define its identity and values, better position itself in the market , and create a positive image for clients and consumers," Álvaro continues.
"There's no one better prepared than you to lead this project, so I need you to let me know today if you're up for it so we can get to work on it," Andrea's boss concludes .
The apparent 'offer' that Álvaro makes to Andrea is a typical example of emotional manipulation , a very common form of psychological control , through which one person seeks to control, influence or dominate another and manipulate their behavior to achieve specific goals, for their own benefit, using very subtle mental influence strategies .
"Some manipulators, with Machiavellian tendencies, view people as instruments or means to an end. They value them based on how much they bring them closer to their goals, and believe they have the right to manipulate them into acting according to their expectations ," notes psychologist Claudia Nicolasa.
He explains that some people are often victims of manipulation by their partner, boss , friends and even family, driven by their basic needs for affection and security, and falling into toxic patterns of behavior without being able to escape the situation.
"The problem is not only that others manipulate us, but that we ourselves often reinforce that manipulation .
For example, how many times have we given in to a demand because we felt guilty, or avoided saying "no" to avoid causing a conflict ? Nicolasa points out.
He adds that "these dynamics not only perpetuate the control others have over us, but also feed our own mental traps ."
"When a person is unaware of their own vulnerabilities and impulses, they can fall into their own mental trap, manipulating themselves, suffering from their own self-sabotage , self-deception, and bad decisions , and dragging their loved ones down with them by trying to satisfy their pain, fears , and shortcomings through them," he emphasizes.
Nicolasa points out that "we manipulate and allow ourselves to be manipulated because deep within our minds there are aspects of ourselves (unconscious learning, associations, conditioning, cognitive biases , fears , impulses, desires, deficiencies and wounds) that we do not know or know how to manage, and that make us fall into mental traps ."
This prominent psychologist, entrepreneur, digital content creator, and founder of the online academies Mindhunt Academy and Mindhunt Pro, identifies the different types of manipulators , describes their emotional control maneuvers to subdue people, and proposes practical and effective tools to neutralize them in her book, "It's Manipulation and You Don't Know It."
Returning to Álvaro's attempt to manipulate Andrea, which Nicolasa addressed in her consultation with a patient and now narrates by changing the names of the protagonists, this psychologist points out that the employee resolved the situation positively using a very effective technique for defusing manipulation called ' assertive postponement '.
He points out that when Álvaro proposed that Andrea lead a branding project, "the trap was set. The boss played on the rush, the pressure, and Andrea's need to prove she was up to the task."
But Andrea had already experienced situations like this, which led her to take on a task without evaluating it, to burn out inside, and to finish in a race against time while someone else received recognition for the work," the psychologist continues.
This time Andrea took a breath, gave herself a few seconds, and applied the ' assertive postponement ' technique, which she had been mentally rehearsing since she began to detect these dynamics, according to Nicolasa.
He responded to Álvaro in a calm tone, "Thank you very much for trusting me. I know this is an important client who deserves the best from us, and that's why I want to reflect on this in order to give you an appropriate response. I need to carefully review the timeframe and scope to assess whether I can take on the project with the required quality. I'll confirm with you tomorrow morning."
"Andrea didn't say 'no,' but she didn't reflexively say 'yes,' either. She broke the emotional rhythm that Álvaro had tried to impose on her," he emphasizes.
"When someone wants you to make a quick decision , it's almost never because they're concerned about your well-being, but because they know that if you think too hard, you might say 'no,'" warns this psychologist.
Nicolasa points out that "this postponement not only relieved pressure from her boss , but also gave Andrea back control over her own judgment. She had that line prepared because she knew a moment like this could come."
Therefore, "I had practiced simple, assertive, and clear formulas to save time, such as 'I'll think about it carefully since it's important ,' or 'I prefer to reflect before giving you an appropriate answer,'" he points out.
"They are short phrases , but loaded with meaning: they communicate self-control, maturity, and, above all, that one will not allow oneself to be manipulated," the psychologist emphasizes.
Andrea then used the rest of the day wisely. She reviewed the project, assessed her current workload, and consulted with a trusted colleague. This strategic break not only gave her logistical leeway but also lowered her emotional reactivity , which, Nicolasa notes, represents "half a victory" in a pressure-filled environment.
"Although this technique may seem simple, its strength lies in the fact that it cuts through manipulation in its initial phase . The manipulator seeks haste, seeks reflexes, but when you introduce pause, judgment, and a well-placed 'I'll get back to you tomorrow,' you recover something essential: your ability to decide from freedom , not from fear ," he emphasizes.
"When you suspect someone is manipulating you in a conversation , postpone your response. This will defuse the pressure the manipulator is exerting and, at the same time, restore your analytical skills , allowing you to process your emotions, assess the situation, and come up with a response that respects your values and goals," she emphasizes.
Nicolasa describes in detail in her book other techniques for building a solid psychological self-defense against manipulators, such as the "fog bank," which consists of "responding in a neutral and vague manner, superficially acknowledging the other person's words without compromising our position or fueling the conflict."
(Text: Rocío Gaia)
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