Trump Caught Whoever Scraped Up the Renovated White House Rose Garden

Ol' Eyes on the Ball would like you to know he's occupying himself with the business of the nation. From himself, with commentary from behind the bar of the Shebeen:

I used, at the White House, the most beautiful marble and stone available anywhere. Surfaces are very important to me as a Builder. As everyone knows, I built many GREAT Buildings, and other things, over the years. [Ed. Note: Name three, and none of the ones you slapped your name on count.] At the White House, I am very proud of the beautiful stonework we did in the Rose Garden, in this case, using limestone plus. The Rose Garden is completed, and far more beautiful than anyone ever had in mind when it was conceived of decades ago. [Ed. Note: Yeah, Jackie Kennedy was a big fan of parking lots.] Three days ago, while admiring the stonework, I happened to notice a huge gash in the limestone that extended more than 25 yards long. [Ed. Note: Yes, and India was cozying up to Russia and China because of your stupid tariffs, but you be you.] It was deep and nasty! I started yelling, “Who did this, and I want to find out now!” — And I didn’t say this in a nice manner. I wondered, “Was it vandalism or, was it stupidity?” [Ed. Note: Funny, that's what I thought when I first saw the thing.] Lo and behold, because of the fact that we’ve installed the finest security equipment anywhere, they brought back the stupid people [Ed. Note: Cabinet meeting?], with their boss watching (in sunglasses!). It was a subcontractor that was installing heavy landscaping on a steel cart that was broken and tilting badly, with it rubbing hard against the soft, beautiful stone. I love and respect great workers and contractors [Ed. Note: Not enough to pay them, of course.] but something like this should never happen. Now, I’ll replace the stone, charge the contractor [Ed. Note: Various gardeners and glaziers in Atlantic City exchange rueful laughter], and never let that contractor work at the White House again — But, how great is the video equipment? We caught them, cold. [Ed. Note: Another crime in D.C. solved!] MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

My lord, we are so very screwed.