When violence happens behind the wall: How neighbors can act and help

The couple in the apartment next door argues a lot – should I be worried? One in four women in Germany experiences violence from a partner or ex-partner at least once in their life. Domestic violence usually takes place behind closed doors, but it's not a private matter: The neighborhood can be an important place to identify violence early and make help available. But how do I know if and how I need to take action?

Spatial proximity as an opportunity and obligation

When we talk about domestic violence, many people think of statistics or individual stories from the news. But the reality is much closer: Violence happens right next door – in the apartment above us, below us, across the hall. This proximity brings with it responsibility: Those who are close to the scene notice things. And, ideally, can take action early on.

"The advantage of being in a neighborhood is that it's right there. When you live close to each other, you quickly notice if there's a loud argument going on in the apartment next door. And if the person actually needs and wants help, there's no long commute; you can simply ring the doorbell next door," says Nua Ursprung, Information and Communications Officer for the " Berlin Initiative against Violence against Women eV " (short: " BIG eV").

In contrast to distant support structures, neighborhood means immediate awareness, direct response—and the opportunity to be the bridge that victims otherwise lack. "One of the biggest challenges in the support landscape for domestic violence is ensuring that victims find the help they need," explains Ursprung. "To do this, they first have to recognize and admit to themselves that they are experiencing violence. It's helpful if someone from outside asks questions and identifies the signs that trigger concern."

Specifically, the expert divides the process into five steps that show how victims of domestic violence in the neighborhood can be helped depending on the situation and level of escalation.

How do you differentiate between everyday arguments and threatening situations? Many people fear that they're overreacting or wrongly suspecting someone. The expert clarifies: This concern is understandable—but also dangerous: "Whether it's 'just' an argument or a threatening situation in which one should take action is impossible to assess from the outside.

That's why it's better to intervene once too often than once too little. In cases of acute violence, the rule is: Call the police immediately – even anonymously. "I can understand that people are very cautious about calling the police directly," says Ursprung. "But the alternative would be that someone experiences violence and doesn't get help. And that can – as we see almost daily – in the worst case scenario end in femicide."

A mistake, on the other hand, usually has no consequences: "If both parties say nothing happened, it was just an argument, then the police will leave without accomplishing anything."

2. Build relationships with those affected

Not every concern requires immediate intervention. Sometimes it's enough to remain vigilant and cautiously seek contact. "If you have the impression that violent dynamics might be occurring in a relationship, but you're not entirely sure, you can first try to build a relationship with the person involved. You can ring the doorbell and ask for sugar. And, after you've chatted a bit, maybe suggest having a coffee together."

Those who shy away from direct contact or encounter rejection can still help: "Alternatively, you can hang flyers or posters from the nearest domestic violence counseling center in the hallway. This way, you don't have to approach anyone directly, but all neighbors will have information about where to get help."

4. Find the right words

When the opportunity arises to speak with someone affected, sensitivity is essential. A listening ear is important, but so is the right setting. "The most important thing is to signal openness without putting the person under pressure," explains the speaker. The stairwell is not a suitable setting. It's better to create a safe space—over a coffee, a walk, or shopping together.

To get started, Nua Ursprung suggests concrete formulations:

• I often hear loud arguments between you. Would you like to tell me about it?
• All your curtains are closed these days, and we see you much less often than before. Has anything changed for you?

Not every affected person responds openly to such an offer of conversation. According to the expert, this is completely normal: "The important thing is to remain calm, not to insist on your own opinion, and to formulate an offer for future discussion in case they want to talk about it a few days or weeks later after the initial shock."

Telephone advice can provide clarity

Last but not least: Not only those affected are entitled to support, but also their environment. Neighbors, Friends, colleagues: If you observe something but are unsure, you can seek advice. The BIG hotline offers telephone counseling, where you can describe specific situations and discuss next steps together. The nationwide helpline "Violence Against Women" is also available.

The "Violence Against Women" helpline provides advice on all forms of violence – 24/7 and free of charge – at 116 016 and online at hilfetelefon.de . Counseling is anonymous, confidential, accessible, and available in 18 foreign languages. Upon request, counselors can refer you to a local support facility. Friends, relatives, and professionals can also contact the "Violence Against Women" helpline.

"Domestic violence is not a private matter; it is structural violence that manifests itself in private relationships," is the motto of the Berlin initiative. And if no one reacts, violence can continue to grow unchecked, often with fatal consequences. Because violence affects us all. Those who pay attention and act can make a difference – and perhaps even save lives.

Brigitte

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