Loneliness: Why most people find it difficult to maintain long-term friendships

When I first saw the series "Friends," I thought: I want a group of friends like that! Then the question occurred to me: What's wrong with me that I don't have one? I now know that what we see in series like "Friends," "How I Met Your Mother," "The Big Bang Theory," or "Dawson's Creek" is a Disneyfication of friendship—a depiction of the happy ideal we like to dream about, but which has little to do with our reality.

In reality, some people don't have any friends at all. Most of us feel lonely at some point in our lives—at least for a while. Personally, it took me years to figure out which person in my circle of friends was close to me, and what exactly they meant to me—only to eventually realize that this can always change.

In a series of articles in "Psychology Today," Irish psychologist and author Douglas Kenrick explains why it's not easy for us to build a stable circle of friends—and that it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us.

4 obstacles we have to overcome on the way to friendship

Isolation and loneliness were death sentences for our ancestors; they couldn't survive long alone among wild animals, droughts, and cold snaps. But unlike us, says Kenrick, they were born into a social network in which they remained for life—or from which they were sent to another according to certain rules. They generally didn't have to make new friends after leaving their home village to pursue their dreams or themselves—in fact, that option wasn't even available to them.

For this reason, it's still not as easy for us to develop intimate relationships with strangers as it is to learn our native language, read the facial expressions of others, or focus under short-term stress. Cultivating friendships, especially in adulthood, is new to us in human history and not something we take for granted. So, we must—and can—learn it first.

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2. Make acquaintance with strangers

The first step on the path to friendship is actually getting to know people—and this is something that more introverted people often struggle with. Sitting alone at a bar and chatting up someone? Asking a work colleague if she'd like to go out for dinner? What's perfectly fine for some people is unimaginable for others. Certain apps can help, but they often have a high potential for discouragement, for example, if we have a lot of disappointing experiences in a short period of time.

Douglas Kenrick recommends deliberately putting ourselves in situations where we can meet people with whom we have a connection. For example, attending a pottery class if we enjoy handicrafts. Or helping out at an animal shelter if we love dogs. In his view, such contexts are more conducive to making acquaintances with the potential to become friends than the aforementioned bar or any park bench in the sun—unless, of course, we're into craft cocktails or walks with long rest stops.

3. Find friends in acquaintances

Researchers have used a variety of approaches and numerous studies to investigate exactly what distinguishes an acquaintance from a friend. They haven't found a simple answer that everyone would immediately agree with.

In any case, time seems to play a role: According to a popular study by psychologist Jeffrey Hall, we would need to spend at least 140 hours with someone before we consider them a friend. However, it all depends on how we structure and experience this time.

Studies show that opening up and confiding are just as important to friendship as actively listening and regularly checking in , even if it's just to ask how the other person is doing. Furthermore, Douglas Kenrick writes, friends support each other and strive to make each other's lives better.

Are we guaranteed to make a friend if we tick these boxes and a relationship meets all these criteria? No. At least we have a decent chance—and definitely a sense of what makes the step from acquaintance to friendship so difficult and special.

4. Cultivate friendship

Once we've overcome the first three obstacles, we face what is probably the most pressing task, the one with the most to lose if we don't resolve it: We must keep the friendship alive and nurture it. Feelings of love, loyalty, empathy, or the joy of companionship usually help us in this. Daily stress, illness, perfectionism, or a lack of awareness of our relationships and priorities can stand in our way.

If we don't live next door to our friend, it's easy to forget to check in on her while we're preoccupied with our own problems. If we spend the entire workday among people, we might feel more like sitting alone in the living room with our book in the evening than meeting up with that same friend.

Finding a good flow in a friendship can take quite a while, and both sides must be willing to show patience, tolerance, and understanding. However, it's worth it. Fortunately, I now know this not from "Friends," but from my own experience.

Brigitte

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