Dangerous Romance: Why we lose two friendships for every romantic relationship

BRIGITTE: Anyone who reads your book will probably consider breaking up afterward: You describe how romantic relationships demonstrably make women unhappier and unhealthier, while men benefit. But what's the solution?

Beatrice Frasl: My book is a plea for friendships, especially among women. My main concern is to decenter romantic love . Other relationships urgently need more meaning, space, energy, and love in our lives. We can do a lot of what we traditionally do only in romantic relationships in our friendships as well. Theoretically, we could even have children with our girlfriends; one can imagine Reproduce independently of a romantic relationship. In the book, I argue that it might even be more sensible to do this in friendships, because these often last longer and are more resilient to crises.

But we have learned from an early age that “true love” is the ultimate goal.

It's sold almost like a religious promise of salvation: Our entire life's happiness awaits us there. If we don't have that "great love," we're missing the most important thing in life. Therefore, the search for that romantic love is charged with special meaning and emotion. Having a best friend isn't considered that important. Whether or not you have a partner, however, is very important. We are socially and legally defined by our relationship status: single, married, widowed, divorced. This shows how dominant marriage and romantic relationships are; they sort people into categories.

For many, the search for "the right one" plunges them into deep unhappiness and loneliness. Women, in particular, often feel like they're running out of time and turn to dating apps.

The search for love is truly a desperate pursuit that never truly materializes. Most people who use dating apps end up lonely and even lonelier, unhappier, and more depressed than before.

You cite many studies showing that the number of single women is increasing. Recently, the 4B movement caused a stir. Its followers no longer want sex, dating, marriage, or children with men, partly as a response to Trump's election victory. At the same time, there are increasing numbers of "tradwives"—young women who cook, clean, and dress up for their husbands. How do you explain this?

Some take the strike in their private lives and withdraw from heterosexual relationships and the nuclear family; others from the world of work and into the traditional role of wife and mother. I don't think the latter is a good solution, as it means financial dependence on a man. But I see both as expressions of the fundamental situation: women are extremely exhausted and realize that these demands don't fit together.

Where does this shame come from when a relationship fails? This feeling of failure?

Women are not only socialized to find love. They are then also responsible for maintaining the relationship. In heterosexual relationships, a large part of the relationship work is the woman's job. By this, I don't just mean household, reproductive, parenting, or caregiving work, but also relationship work with the partner. The woman is responsible for bringing peace and creating a beautiful home, in both a metaphorical and emotional sense. She brings most of the communication skills to the table and applies them on an emotional level. Therefore, it is not surprising that women often end up falling apart in relationships or feel that they are to blame for the relationship breaking down. This is also the reason why relationships are often unhappy and unhealthy for us women, while men benefit from them. Studies show that women in romantic relationships live shorter lives than other women , while men live two years longer if they are married.

I have a friend who, when she's newly in love, you don't hear from for three months. She puts romantic love above all else.

This can end badly. Research tells us that we lose two friendships for every romantic relationship we enter. This is relatively tragic because it's precisely these friendships that sustain us when the romantic relationship breaks down, which is statistically very likely. Romantic love tears us away from other relationships. This is why it often makes us lonely – because we need more people with whom we have close bonds to be healthy and happy. In the worst case, this can be life-threatening because violent men have it easier. A common strategy of perpetrators is to isolate victims so that no one from the outside can say, "Wait a minute, he's not treating you well." People in a cocoon have no external reality check. These isolation tendencies often go unrecognized because it's considered so normal for newly in love couples to rarely contact each other.

You write that men live longer in relationships than women. Why?

Men in heterosexual relationships receive comprehensive care and support. One example among many is health management. Often, the woman is the one who makes doctor's appointments for everyone in the family, ensures the man takes his medication, knows his blood type or allergies, and sometimes goes with him to the doctor to explain what's wrong. Medical personnel report that they almost exclusively have contact with women, even when the man is the patient. In an emergency, the wife knows all the details about her unconscious husband, while the man knows nothing if the woman is unconscious. This can cost her life.

Brigitte